Ham (specifically, a Hogs' Hind Leg)

It’s no secret that I’ve barely been cooking long enough to char my oven mitts. Therefore, it should be no surprise that I still blunder about a smidge, and don’t always produce a successful dish, even when I’m following a recipe. I was excited when I received a recipe for baked ham because I love ham, and the only other one I’ve made for a holiday meal had its beauty botched by the person carving it. The recipe called for a 10-12 lb. bone-in ham, which I assumed to be a ready-to-cook ham vs. a ready-to-eat ham by the cooking directions (cook time 16 minutes per lb. of meat). I went off with egg timers ringing to my local grocery and took a speculative gander at the ham selection.  

Shank

Ham is cut from the thigh of the hind leg of the Pig and is sold in whole form, or cut further into the Butt or Shank portions. Ham can be sold fully cooked, cured, fresh, or smoked. Fully cooked hams only have to be reheated to be enjoyed as a hot meal, they can even be eaten cold. They can be reheated in the oven, slow cooker, or even on the grill. Cured ham uses either a “wet” or “dry” process for curing. Dry curing ham involves using a waterless compound usually consisting of any of the following: salt, sugar, nitrates, phosphates, and spices that are rubbed on the surface of the ham. The ham is then hung to dry and age anywhere from weeks to years. Wet cured ham is soaked or injected with curing ingredients including: salt, sugar, nitrates, honey, and other seasonings and spices and either cooked or smoked. Fresh ham is equivalent to the cut, flavor, and cooking method of a pork roast. It has the same grayish-pink color when raw, and grayish-white color when cooked. Smoked hams are hung in smokehouses exposed to smoldering hardwood fires such as red oak, hickory, apple, pecan, and maple. The amount of smoke time depends on if the ham will be cooked or “hot smoked” at higher temperatures, or “cold smoked” at lower temperatures to produce an aromatic, but not cooked meat,  

The selection at my local grocery consisted of different cuts and varieties of ready-to-eat hams. I wanted a ready-to-cook ham, or what I thought was a “fresh” ham at the time. Because there was no selection for ready-to-cook ham, I sought the expert advice of the  “meat” department employee. This particular employee initially feigned interest in helping a customer, but after I made inquiries such as “what is a ready-to-cook-ham,” and “what other stores stock ready-to-cook hams,” he decided to hook me up with a ritzy bargain: He was going to go into the butcher department and have them CUT a ham exclusively for me! How ecstatic was I ?!

Butt

He came out and plopped a mammoth slab of meat into my carriage and I went off to the extended check out line. I paid a chunk for the select cut, but I didn’t care! I was privy to the exclusive secrets of the meat department! I went home and commenced to following the recipe to a “T,” almost...I hate the taste of cloves, so I left them out.  When I unwrapped the ham I noticed it didn’t look like the traditional deep pink ham I pictured but , I prepared, seasoned, and cooked the ham to the exact recommended time anyway (16 minutes per lb. of meat). 

When the meat was “done” I removed it from the heat, let it rest, and served two relatively small servings from the far end of the roast for my daughter and I.  The taste was decent but exactly like a pork roast and nothing like a ham, and the presentation was lower than an Ant’s behind, though after spending hours preparing a meal there is little that will turn the owner against it, so I ate it with pride. That was until my husband got home...When he walked through the door his gaze immediately located the revolting and offensive (barely) roasted Leg Shank of Pig’s Corpse. He sought out the discrepancies in the ham like a heat seeking missile, instinctively reached for a sharp knife and gashed a large fissure through the center of the Ham/Pork Roast/Underdone Pig Cadaver.  He exclaimed, “Babe, this meat isn’t done,” in his slight Tennessee accent and directed my attention to the raw COOL, PINK CENTER complete with a large BLOODY ARTERY that looked like it was STILL PULSING. *gag*

Needless to say, what I bought was indeed a FRESH ham which needed a way longer cooking time, and not a READY TO COOK ham, which would have been cured and/or smoked.  I’ll not be making THAT mistake again. *gags again thinking of the vile, pulsating vasculature of the Undead Swine Carcass*

An interesting thing I learned while researching for this Featured Ingredient, which is also consistent with my misanthropic distrust of food retailers is the tricksy semantics on Ham labels and packaging. Certain brands remove the center slices of ham when the hind leg is split into “shank” and “butt” ends. That center slice, also known as a “ham steak,” is the best cut from the ham. When the center cut is not sliced awake from the butt/shank it is labeled as “butt half” or “shank half”. When the center cut is sliced away and sold separately as a center cut ham steak, the portion left behind is labeled as “butt portion” or “shank portion.” It would be relatively impossible or improbable for the average consumer to note this variation without knowing what the label means. Innnnnnnnteresting! Thank You lousy, no-good-for-nothing, fascist, shady, anti-consumer, underhanded, jackbooted, buyer-beware, totalitarian Advertising “Geniuses”!!!!